BREAKING: KEVIN McCARTHY REACHES AGREEMENT WITH G.O.P. “FREEDOM CAUCUS”
The final negotiations were held in Munich on the second anniversary of what McCarthy termed “the glorious attempt by patriots to end the evils of democracy.”
Munich. January 6, 2023.
“The negotiations were really tough,” Unrepresentative Kevin McCarthy (0, CA) told reporters at a news conference here today, “but I never doubted that I would succeed. I knew all along that I was the only one who is man enough to take the position that there is nothing I wouldn’t give away to become Speaker.”
“The difficulty I faced,” the Wannabe Speaker said with tears welling in his eyes, “was that I can only give up some things once.”
“Such as?” A reporter in the gaggle surrounding Mr. McCarthy shouted.
“Well,” the “leader” began, swallowing hard, “Yesterday, Lauren Boebert (NSDAP, CO) told me she would only vote for me if I let her cut off my testicles with a rusty knife so she could dry them and hang them like shriveled prunes from a necklace she could wear on the House floor.”
“And you weren’t willing to go that far?” a male Fox News reporter inquired.
“Oh, no,” McCarthy responded. “Like I said, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to be able to be called “Speaker.” Remember two years ago, when I spoke the truth after the invasion of the Capitol, I publicly said, ‘The president bears responsibility for Wednesday’s attack on Congress by mob rioters,’ but then I went down to Mar a Lago and prostrated myself before mein Führer, pledging unquestioning loyalty to him? Off camera, I even sealed the deal with a kiss on his fat as — er, his posterior.”
“We remember. So, what’s the problem with agreeing to let Boebert, uh, sever your manhood?”
McCarthy began to sob. “Because, before the first vote, I had gotten the support of Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q, GA) by letting her cut them off and roast them in a frying pan — I didn’t have them anymore to give to anyone else!”
Recovering his composure, McCarthy said, but now I have totally surrendered to them, and that assures that there will be “peace for our time.” He advised everyone to “Go home and get a nice quiet sleep — like we all did two years ago tonight.”
